Boundaries

A fence is very practical in the sense that it is used as a barrier that creates guards, separation, and protection.  It is used to keep things in and just as useful in preventing things from leaving out.

Different fences are used for different practical purposes.  A privacy fence is used to keep outsiders from seeing in.  An electronic fence can be used to keep your favorite pet from leaving your yard.  Various businesses use fences with barbwire at the top to prevent thieves from coming in and taking out their goods.  A farmer may use a fence to protect its livestock from wandering off of his land and onto dangerous territory where they could be harmed by predators.

 Your boundaries are your own built in invisible fence that adds additional, practical protection in your life.  Much like the fences described above, it can prevent undesirable things from coming into your life and keep you from doing undesirable things that may even be dangerous for you in the long run.

Once you create or re-establish your boundaries, they become your gauge during your interactions with others of what becomes deemed appropriate behavior towards you or what is offensive.  

Because your invisible fence is totally designed by your specifications, your personality, past experiences, beliefs, and desires, your insight of who you are at your core will aid you in determining exactly what your boundaries should be.

 Just as with an actual fence, the specifications of your invisible fence must be realistic, aiding you in the creation of a smart defense.  If an actual fence is made too high, too short, too wide, or too thin, its improper configuration may not fulfill the purpose in which it was created for.

While your objective in creating your invisible fence is protection, and is proven successful by having kept out undesirable things, make sure you are not hindering the desirable things you truly want in your life from coming in.

There are times when we become so afraid of change, so uncomfortable with trying something new, so incredibly rigid or so fearful of getting hurt, because of past experiences that our fences can become contradictory defenses that are subjective as opposed to being rational, lucid and objective.  These fences are counterproductive and can cause us to loose out on the things we desire most at our core, like friendship or love. 

We can make our fences so tall, so thick, so wide, that we block out good things from coming into our lives.  These types of fences actually do us way more harm than good.  In fact, our invisible fence can become a wall causing us to miss out on a lot of the desirable joys, pleasures and opportunities that life brings. 

Because a fence can work both ways, both keeping something out and keeping something in, we can actually find ourselves in a position of not only keeping undesirable things out, we can also hold undesirable things in, such as pain, anger, resentment, un-forgiveness, anxiety, insecurities, etc.  This is a mistake that many of us make in our attempt to control our circumstances.  We cannot always control everything in our lives.  These types of walls must be torn down, as well as those undesirable things must be dealt with and let go of in order for us to truly flourish and thrive.  We cannot fully let go of something until we deal with it in totality.  If it is not dealt with thoroughly, it will continue to resurface because the problem still lies in the root of the matter, which can continue to exist, even when we don’t realize it.  We will not begin to blossom until this healing process has begun. 

However, when we build an appropriate and healthy fence creating smart defenses for ones own protection, its benefits are irrefutable.

JOURNEY #5

1. Evaluate areas in your life you need to set or re-establish boundaries. 
2. If you are single, set boundaries before you even meet someone new.  Those boundaries may be how late you will stay out with someone when you first start dating, how often you will talk on the phone, how much you will talk on the phone before you go on your first date, how long you will date before you are willing to take the next step, etc.
3. If you are single with children, you will also need to set boundaries before you meet someone, but with your children in mind, how long will you date before you invite them in your home, how long will you date before they can meet your children, how long will you date before they can spend regular time with your children, etc.
4. If you are married you and your partner need to communicate your boundary lines to one another and come to a fair compromise within the relationship.  Write out a list of any boundaries that have been stepped over and work together to rectify it.
5. If someone is stepping over your boundaries, you may want to have a conversation with them, if that does not help think about changing the dynamics of your interaction so that you are more comfortable.  You may want to spend less time with that person or give them no time once you evaluate the situation.
6. If you have allowed someone to break your boundaries you need a strategy to fix the broken boundary line.  You will have to firmly re-establish your boundary lines and do not put yourself in a position to have them broken again.  This may include changing routines, ending conversations that are persuasive, being choosier about the company you keep, etc.
7. If you are working towards a goal, you will have to set up boundaries that will help you stay focused.  This may mean that you need to block out certain amounts of time where you cannot be contacted, only make yourself available on certain days of the week, spend less and save more, etc.
8. Stay in the driver’s wheel as much as possible.  This is not always possible because there are times when we will always need someone and that is ok because we are all interconnected.  However, the more you are independent as a person and can take care of your own needs, the more it will stop commentators from taking over.  This is an important boundary to set in place.  Examine areas of your life where you need to get into the driver’s seat.
9. Examine the boundaries that you’ve created over time to guard your heart.  Are these boundaries to rigid?  Do you have the proper guards over your heart?  If they are too rigid, slowly began to let people in.  Do not make the majority pay for the mistakes of the minority.  Learn to trust and use your boundaries wisely.
10.  Examine the boundaries that you’ve created over time to guard your heart.  Are these boundaries not strong enough?  Learn to filter.  Imagine you have a filter over your heart.  A filter does not let everything in, but it does not stop the flow of positive things from coming or going.  Keep the good and throw out the bad.